Lately God has been teaching me more about being real. And that's mainly why I'm writing about this, because I want to be obedient to what He is telling me, and be completely real and not cover anything up. So here goes...
He really had to break me down a couple nights ago... I was babysitting and the kids had gone to sleep and I was pretty tired because I was re-reading some Shakespeare. I got a phone call from one of my guy friends on campus, a fellow English lover, and told him that I couldn't go to a Shakespeare play with the group we had planned. Anyways, a mutual girlfriend of ours was in the background... we hung out earlier this semester, but not so much lately.
You may be thinking, "Yeah, so what's the big deal?" Well, small things usually surface larger feelings. And just so you know, I in no way have any feelings for this guy. But for some reason, God used a simple conversation and realization that my two friends were hanging out without me, and told me that I wasn't being real in my relationships with people. I don't know when this behavior started, but I'm thinking when my dad was deployed. I had told myself that I would not dwell on all the emotion that came with my dad being gone. I knew that I would be strong. But now I know that there is no winning with that battle. You have to deal with your emotions.
I was upset because I don't know these two people in that way. I feel like I haven't been real with anyone in a long time. I haven't told you that sometimes, or most of the time, I don't always have it together. I get stressed out. I compare the way I look with other girls. I'm not always happy with who God made me. But He's teaching me everyday. He's teaching me through pageant, and other things. But I never discuss these things with anyone.
I could sit here and say "Woe be me because I don't have a significant other to share things with and be real with." And I'm not going to make this one of my posts about being single, but God does call us to relationshipS (that's plural) with one another where we carry each other's burdens. I'm tired of hiding the fact that I fail sometimes.
So here it is in all caps: I MESS UP. I AM NOT PERFECT. I HAVE TO LEAN ON MY HEAVENLY FATHER, AND RELY ON MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS. WE ALL HAVE TO. LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
I'm just tired of the superficial, acquaintance-type relationships. So lets go beyond that and actually talk to each other. I'm not going to worry about whether or not I would be revealing too much, because I don't reveal enough at all, and instead, I put up a mask of perfection.... which I hope people have seen through.
Is anyone with me? Does anyone else get bogged down with the false standard of everything being together? Because I am. And I hope that I made you think. Because it's been on my heart lately, and I'm trying to break down walls that I have put up.
I want to be real with you.
