Oh, gee.

These past couple days for me have been rough. I won't let you know it if I'm talking to you, but for some reason, I'm an open book right now. Isn't it funny how I would feel awkward saying anything but "Good" when you ask me "How are you?".

I think I am just being attacked right now. I haven't been feeling like myself at all. I feel like nothing in my life is going right, and I am feeling dissatisfied with myself. And then it's like my emotions are a light that can just be turned off and on. In front of people, I a very good at turning them off. In fact, I am very good at ignoring the fact that there's even a light to turn on. For some reason though, something inside me desperately wants to turn that light on and place everything out for everyone to see. No more hiding.

I don't know if it has been the empty conversations that I have had with my parents, or if it has been the constant thought that I am not good at anything I attempt- my job, my friendships. Yes, I know this is a lie, and yet while knowing these are all lies, part of me still believs it, and I hate that.

We are doing that study on the book Captivating, and while I really don't agree with a lot of what that book has to say, the discussions that we had on it tonight just really hit me. I cried, but didn't say anything. How could I say anything when I have been ignoring it for it's whole existence? I've noticed that I have been doing this with a lot of the discomforts in my life. I know they are there, and I ignore them, thinking that if I don't acknowledge them, they will somehow vanish. Really, all I am doing is hurting myself. I am hardening my heart, and not bringing these things to the Lord.

I have lost something in myself, and it hurts. It feels like I can't turn to anyone, even if they had their arms opened right in front of me. My heart has been trained to keep it all in and can't even recognize a shoulder to lean on when it is there. I feel as if a friend is standing there trying to help me, and I am too weak to even reach out for their help.

Please pray for me. There are just a lot of things that have led to confusion, hurt, and sadness- and I don't know what to do.