Well....

It's pretty late. I'm staying up tonight because I don't feel a bit tired, which is a rare thing. I got a third of my notecards down for Dr.Martin's class. It took me 3 hours, so I need to get in 6 hours tomorrow.

Tonight has been good. At our MLC meeting tonight, we talked about compassion, encouragement, and challenges. For me, it was very moving, because I was having an inner conflict during the whole thing, and I think that I am horrible at not letting anyone know. I don't like to tell everything about my life to 30 people, but tonight I felt the need to. I didn't. Could this be pride? I have no idea, but I should've. I've been having a really hard time lately dealing with my emotions. I'm serious. It all has to do with my dad's deployment. When I first found out about it, I was a wreck. Anything made me cry, and I let it. But now, I put up a wall against my emotions. Anytime I think about it or feel like I'm going to cry, I force myself not to. I don't like the way this feels, but I don't like to cry all the time either. I don't like blocking myself off from it, because all that is is numbing myself to feel. I'm not very content in this moment, because either way, it still bothers me. It still bothers me that he is leaving and that I won't be able to call him whenever. My dad is my friend, pretty much the only male in my life, which is not a bad thing, but when he is gone for over a year with very little communication, it feels like he is gone, and the fear of him being gone for the rest of my life is terrifying. The whole thing gets me upset, and all I truly desire is to be content and full assured that God will take care of me. I know He will, but I think not knowing the results is so hard, and that is just proof that I am not trusting that no matter what happens, God's got it all sorted out. I want to have a positive attitude and not start crying, or force myself not to, when someone asks about it. I want to be real and not have to block off what I truly feel. I started doing this because I don't want everyone knowing about it. I only tell a select few people because I am comfortable with them. I know that God has a plan. I hated it when my dad left in High School and even got mad at God. I don't want to do that this time. I want to be confident in Him and trusting. I think my biggest fear is that the one person I can talk to the easiest will be gone, and might even be gone forever. That is so hard to grasp and not question. It is so hard. I just want to go off to my own little corner of the world and express my pain by screaming, crying, and eventually smiling because God understands all of what I'm feeling. That's all.