Preparing to Teach

As graduation draws near, I'm beginning to realize how stressed I am about the whole thing. I'm really looking forward to it, and when I say that, I mean it; I will never have to write another paper or take another exam.... at least for the time being.

I've been doing my alternative certification stuff and I've been pretty optimistic about the whole thing. I know finding a job will be the biggest ordeal, but right now, I'm all about taking my TExES test. I'm pretty stressed about this- the money, studying, time... But I know I can pass it. I'm taking the test for 4-8th English, and I'm graduating college with an English degree! It can't be too hard. :) See, optimism mixed with questioning....

Anyways, the test is on November 8th- please pray for me :) If I pass, I will be soooo pumped because I will be an official "highly qualified" teacher and a true candidate for a teaching position.

Well... I guess I should go study!

27 Dresses

(I thought it was hilarious that my dress from pageant was one of the bridesmaid dresses in the movie that was made fun of- maybe it's a good thing I didn't get the green one! hahaha)

I saw this movie today. It stars Katherine Heigl as an independent woman who ironically loves weddings and everything about them. She had been a bridesmaid in TWENTY-SEVEN WEDDINGS! How crazy is that?

Well, before I spoil the ending for you, I will let you know that this movie is a chick-flick. Now... if that doesn't spoil the ending for you, I don't know what will. As I was walking out of the theater last night, I thought to myself, "Self, why do I pay six dollars for a movie where I know that the main character will fall in love and live 'happily ever after'"? Yes, *gasp*, it's true- she fell in love, got married, walked off into the sunset with her knight in shining armor, and lived happily ever after. Or that's at least what they want you to believe :)

I know I must sound like the most bitter person that has seen this movie, but it's true! Why do we get sucked into this cycle? I'm just wondering. We (and by we I mean women) see a preview for a movie like this, say it looks soooo cute, and then go pay for it! When 98% of the time, we know that it's going to end happily.

I honestly have no idea what my point of this post is. I think it might be that I somehow always feel good after seeing these type of movies for about 10 minutes, but in all honesty, then I feel completely upset that I spent money on it. Yes, it was a great movie- it was "cute". But I don't always like the way these movies make me feel.

This past week God has shown me (as He seems to do a lot) that I am perfectly content- that I am fine. By this I mean, He is my rock, He is my refuge. These are the words I cling to from Psalm 73:
23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength [2] of my heart and my portion forever.

He is my strength, He is my portion.

I don't want a simple movie to make me feel otherwise.

Any thoughts?

Hopeless romantic?

Well here it comes... me writing about the one thing I'd rather not. But a big part of me has to, because I have to get it out. That's right.... the life of being single. I really do hate the phrase, "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." because you kind of begin to believe it. Now I know I am young and I have "my whole life" ahead of me, but sometimes a girl just has to wonder.

This summer has been particularly hard when it comes to this because all of my relatives call to check on me, and it's inevitable that they all ask "So are you dating yet?" I can only come up with so many different answers: "No, I'm just waiting for the right guy." "No, I'm too busy for a boyfriend." Someone even told me "Good." when I answered. Excuse me for being cynical about this, but if it's good to be single, why did you ask me if I was dating?

I may sound kind of upset right now, but it'd because I am. Even my co-workers, whom I've known for a little over a month, ask me. When I reply, I hear, "You're not dating?! Why not?!?!"

To be completely honest, the answer "I'm waiting for the right guy" is the truth. I really am. And no, I don't know how I will know if he's the right one, but I will. I have so many friends that are getting engaged, and while I am only 20 years old, it's hard not to think why I haven't even been on a date.

I want to feel like I'm special, and I want to be "swept off my feet". I desire to know what that feels like, you know? I want to laugh about things that don't matter, and go on walks with someone because we can. I want to take goofy pictures together. I want to go climb a mountain with him. I want to do my hair for a special occasion. I even want to buy a pretty dress so we can go dancing together, even if we both have two left feet. I want to write mushy letters, too. Yes, I'm your typical girl. But maybe not, because I have never done these things. But I want to. Hopeless romantic it is..

I know it's all in God's timing, but it's hard to not wonder...

Blessings and Anxiety

:)

I got the job at the retirement/nursing home! Now I will finally be doing something productive and making a little bit of money! Woo! :)

Although, I must say that reality kind of hit today when I registered for my summer classes. All of the online classes ended up being full, which is mainly my fault for registering so late, and so I'm now enrolled in one class for each session. It should be an interesting summer as I have no idea what to expect with the pace of the classes and a new environment. I'm sure it will be fine, but sometimes I just wonder what I'm doing!

Speaking of which, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed by the future. While I am so thankful for the blessings God has given me- a job in less than a week, the opportunity to take classes for much less than UMHB, a loving mother at home- I'm still anxious about it. I feel like I have never been as scared by the future as I do now. I guess I just never realized how uncomfortable I am with unfamiliarity. I'm worried about the classes, the job, and especially next semester. I really need to completely trust that God has it under control. Isn't it odd to know that but not trust? Isn't even more odd to be thankful for what you are worried about? Have you ever felt like this?

Reflections on Psalm 34

Life feels as if it has been flying by for about the past week or so.God has been teaching me a lot lately, and I'm striving more and more each day to be completely satisfied in Him. He really laid Psalm 34 on my heart in a new way this week. I started thinking about all of these different parts of my future that I absolutely have no control over, and knew that I needed His guidance. His gift to me that night was Psalm 34. To give you an idea of the thoughts of the future that have been running through my head, here's a short list:
-This summer in San Antonio
-Graduating
-Friendships
-Every day decisions
-Guatemala trip
-Life after graduation- Singleness, etc.

So often I feel as if my thoughts are consumed by questions on the future. I worry so much about it to the point that it's ridiculous. Suddenly I realized that those thoughts were taking away from my present time, and that it wasn't my life to worry about anyways. My life is His, and good thing, because He has it all under control.

There's one verse in Psalm 34 that really struck me:

"The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." - Psalm 34:10

How many times have I wanted and hungered for something in my life to just happen? Like the answers to all of y questions to just appear. I hunger for the knowledge of little things, like "What will this summer bring me?" etc.

But it's not about me. "Those who seek the LORD lack no good thing." It's about seeking Him, and not for any benefit, but because He's the only way!

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

He guides, He comforts, He knows so much more than I do. This is why I cannot worry. This is why I cannot be consumed by the maybes of the future. Because my King has redeemed my life.

I have to constantly remember this as my hopes are let down. When friendships don't always meet the expectations I had for them, when certain things turn out to be not for me. I can take comfort and relief in the fact that God does have a plan that is so beyond me. It's not about me.

The writings of a single girl: The plain, don't feel sorry for me, truth.

The past few weeks have been another one of those weeks. For me, one of those weeks is the kind where you are just longing for some real companionship. Being single, I automatically pin this on the fact that I'm without a boyfriend. I have friends here that are true treasures in my life, but sometimes it just doesn't fill that hole.

Thinking about this (as I write), I think of a good section of Blue Like Jazz that I read last year. Despite the controversy or the popularity of that book, I read something in there that brought a smile to my heart. Donald Miller was talking to his newlywed friend, when he asked him how new married life was. His friend responded with quite the surprising answer, and replied with something along these lines: "It's wonderful, but it's not complete fulfillment. I love my wife, but I will never truly know her like she desires to be known, and she will never truly know me the way I desire to be known.... The only one that can truly know us is God." I don't know about you, but that is amazing to me.

I know people in my life care about me. I can't say that I don't sometimes wonder how different life would be if I had a boyfriend, a fiancee, or a husband. I can take joy in the fact that I have my Lord and that He is always accessible for me to talk to, to pour my heart out to, to cry with, to laugh with, to love.

It is when I am in these moments of longing for a(nother) companion that I realize I need to spend more time with my Lord. It is in these times when I say "I miss him," and I realize that that him is Him, my Father in Heaven. It is times like these that draw me back to Him.

$800.00

I think I'm beginning to learn the reality of becoming an adult. I'm only paying half... but wow, I guess I underestimated the price of car repairs. The good news is-I'm okay.

Tomorrow morning I have a written screening test. I'm not too worried about it, but it is one of the requirements to be accepted into the school of education.

I'm really trying to not let the beginning of this week take over my mood. I think a nice warm shower is in store, as well as some good sleep.

Times are changin'!

Oh, transition time. :)

Can you ever just sense everything around you beginning to change? It's happening in my life, and not just because it's a new year in 3 days.

I'm looking forward to it.

+ working out
+ hot chocolate
+ time with mom
+ talks with dad
+ Charlotte's Web

- missing UMHB
- wanting a home church in SA

Insignificance. (I'm sorry about the sad post)

in·sig·nif·i·cance /ˌɪnsɪgˈnɪfɪkəns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-sig-nif-i-kuhns] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun the quality or condition of being insignificant; lack of importance or consequence.

I have been feeling very insignificant the past few days. It has felt as if every area of my life has not been what I thought it has, with a few exceptions. In high school, God had been teaching me that I was depending far too much on human relationships. Maybe that is the case now. I don't really know. Everything is a huge whirlwhind right now. Christmas is going to be so hard with my dad gone. My mom and I are doing okay. I am trying to be a better daughter, but sometimes it is so hard. I don't even know if I am being a good friend half the time. I just don't understand how one day I am perfectly fine, and the next everything is released to me about all of the things I have done wrong. This isn't directed at anyone, I just need to get things off my chest.

Why do I mess up without knowing it? Why do I need to be told? Am I that wrapped up in my own self that I don't even realize?? Am I so blind? In the pit of my stomach, I am feeling empty. Miserable for things that I often feel I don't have control over.

There are few people in my life that I can be open with. That I can be myself around and not have to be someone that I am not. People that seem to actually care.

I am sorry if I have not been that friend to anyone out there. The friend that you can laugh and be yourself around.

It's just so easy to feel alone when the people you love aren't there or seem so far away.

Lord, carry me please.

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to…
oh oh oh oh eo (x4)
Love me, love me, yah
-Barlow Girl, I Need You to Love Me

These are my ramblings :)

Right now I am at my job where I should be tutoring students with English. Not one person has come in since 7 p.m. and so I sit here thinking of what I can blog about. Hmmm...

Well, I don't know what I want to do when I graduate. I'm supposed to preview at Truett in February to see if I am at all interested in seminary. Sometimes I feel inadequate with that type of thing. Is it weird that I don't feel that way about graduate school? I don't know where I would o if I attended graduate school, but it just seems like the easy way out. People always say to do what will make you happy, and I believe that that is true. I know that Truett sounds like a wonderful opportunity, but I know that I need to preview it before I make up my mind. It sounds so great that those thoughts creep in, saying "You, seminary? Forget it." And that's not the only doubt... what about finally getting on my own 2 feet, with a "real" job? I am excited about finding my place after graduation. It's crazy that it's not that far away, and soon my whole entire adult life will take place. The future used to be something I looked forward to; is it normal to be a little (or a lot) scared? I just needto pray about it. I know that actually going to the preview will help, too. These are my thoughts on my future though. I also don't know where I want to live. I thought I would like San Antonio, but I kind of want to get away from familiarity and explore a little. Somewhere country, with a little bit of city. A pretty view, and an easy trip to the store.... Plus you never know where God will place you... I don't see myself falling in love and getting married anytime soon. As much as I long for a relationship and all... I am not really wanting it right now. I kind of like being independent, doign thigns on my own. Maybe I am selfish with my time? Who knows... But like I said, God has a plan, and it is by far much better (and more secure) than my own. I couldn't be more thankful.

So yeah, these are my ramblings :)

Feel what You feel, Love what You love, go where You go, that's what we want...

Okay. There is something you need to know. Something I need to know. Something we all need to know.

So, being on Revival Steering Committee and MLC, and involved in my local church.. you'd think I would be just fine and dandy with God, right? Well, I think God might just be trying to tell me something right now....

I cried tonight because I realized I was completely wrong, and that I didn't have any ounce of goodness in me. I am trying to walk alone. I am trying to deal with my family being apart, with the war that caused that... trying to deal with friendships that have gone sour, trying to deal with the sin in my life on my own, as if I had the power to fix any of it. It's as if I'm trying to hold all of this in with my hands that are made of ice, and that they're just melting now. It's like God's hands of steel are right in front of me, and I haven't done a thing about it because for some reason I have felt that the ice would never melt or break. It's as if I'm all wrong... because I am.

I haven't kept Christ as the center of my life. I have told myself that I have, and have made it all about me (my decisions, my own doings) in the process. After telling your something that is false repeatedly, you begin to believe it, and then it ends up hitting you all at once.

And then sometimes I think I'm just being an emotional girl, but this stuff matters. It matters that I haven't been taking this seriously, the fact that God controls this, not me, and it would all be fine if I just let Him.

Pray that the dry bones would have life breathed into them. And let me know if you need prayer as well. Seriously. Thanks.

Catchin' Up

For all you girls out there...

Do you ever let your emotions get the best of you?

I do... and I think it's a huge problem. I know that we all have feelings and that those feelings are important, but I'm sure most of us (or at least myself) get so caught up in those crazy emotions. I don't know much about the male thought process, but from what I hear, guys are pretty good about turning their emotions on or off. I tried to be good at that, and sometimes it works... temporarily. I can turn these emotions off like I am stopping them in their tracks, but they always catch up with me.

I know I may not be making sense, but I'm learning that I have to deal with things. Things for me, being my dad's deployment, my friendships, relationships, academics, and overall just my expectations for myself. If something doesn't turn out my way, I have to deal with it. Not only is it good to deal with these things, but it's becoming a necessity. I find myself becoming overwhelmed when I don't...

I like this blog because it helps me to write out what I am thinking, and it's as if once it's it's all out there it's confirmed.

Thank you for reading my confirmations. :) I hope someone out there can relate!